I am not a middle-eastern lesbian

The blogosphere has been on fire the past few days because of the revelation that the popular and inspirational blog “A Gay Girl in Damascus”, was actually written by a male, white, married, American college student living in Scotland.  You can read the story here.  In light of this, I have a few confessions to make as well.

First and foremost, I am not a middle-eastern lesbian.  I am a straight white guy living in the ghetto part of the nice part of Las Vegas.

I never won the Nobel Peace Prize in Mathenometry.  I’m not even sure that’s a real category.

The pictures of my penis that I tweeted are in fact pictures of my penis.

There is a growing faction of people who believe that 9/11 was an inside job.   Well, I’m here to tell the world that the inside job was an inside job.  Actually, the inside-inside job just started as some inside temp work, that eventually led to a full-time inside job.  It just goes to show, if you work hard, anything is possible in America.

I never bested Shaq in a dunking contest.  I did, however, own him in a tickle fight.

I served 2 years in maximum security prison after my illegal chimp-fighting league was busted.  I’ll never forget the disappointed look in Captain Thumblefeet’s good eye as they carted him away.  He could have won the championship!

I am not married to Megan Fox.  In my defense, in some cultures when you send someone your severed pinky toe, you are officially married.

Despite what my hilarious t-shirt says, I am not a gynecologist.

New solutions to old problems – part 1

Some problems have been plaguing the human race since the beginning of recorded history. Clearly, our solutions to these problems haven’t been working. This is part 1 of New solutions to old problems.

Political Scandals – Ever since there has been politics, there has been political scandal. This has been a perennial distraction and all around time-waster. Let’s try this. Only people that have been involved in previous sex scandals can run for public office. That way when the inevitable happens, and some congressmen is caught fellating a transvestite hooker at his son’s sixth birthday party, no one will be surprised and we can move on as a country. A lot more will get done.

Rape – It’s a sad truth that rape has been occurring since the dawn of human existence. I think it’s a solvable problem in the 21st century, I prepose this; A rape conviction will only carry a three year sentence, but the offender must undergo a mandatory sex change operation before being thrown into maximum security prison. I think this would serve three purposes:

1) After they serve their three year term in the rape factory, they won’t be able to commit any more rapes.

2) Prison rape would be focused on the rapists, and not the poor schmuck that was caught growing pot plants or cheating on his taxes.

3) Since they are only serving three years, they won’t be a burden to the state forever, but they will have to bear the psychological scars of a raped woman for the rest of their life.

I think this policy would pretty much make rape a thing of the past. Everybody wins! (except rapists)

Natural disasters – Currently, we are nature’s bitch. From now on, people that live in disaster prone areas must build disaster proof housing and infrastructure, or they need to live somewhere else. This is basic shit. I’m tired of people that live in hurricane prone areas, being taken off guard by a hurricane in the peak of hurricane season.

Depression – Any American that claims to be clinically depressed will be loaded onto a crowded ship and sent to the slums of India. They have to stay there until they admit how good they have it, and agree to stop acting like a whiney, spoiled turd. This will hurt the pharmaceutical industry, but I think they’ll be ok.

Writing about writer’s block

Writer’s block is a bitch. For me writer’s block isn’t the inability to come up with new ideas, it’s usually the inability to come up with GOOD ideas. Here are a few blog premises that never got off the ground over the past week or so.

Zombie food-critics - A group of zombies discuss their divergent views on the taste of various people’s brains. I was really excited about this one and it seemed like it was going to be good. Unfortunately, it was a little one dimensional, and any time I wrote about a non-white person’s brain (I make fluorescent light bulbs look black), it always came off a little racist. I’m going to keep trying with this one. I think some comedy nuggets can still be mined from this pit of oblique racism.

What my cat does while I’m at work – I was sure I could conjure something from this. Alas, the best comedy comes from the truth, and the truth is that my cat just naps and licks his b-hole all day while I’m gone. I could have made him an evil mastermind or something, plotting the end of the world, but I thought that was a little too “the Oatmeal”-ish.

the Revenge of Ozombie bin Laden – part 2 – If you have read part 1, then you may be looking forward to part 2. The truth is, I ended the first one on a cliffhanger for a couple of reasons;

1 – I prefer to read and write shorter blog posts.  As it stands, it’s already longer than I would like for a single post.
2 – I thought of “Ozombie bin Laden” and basically crapped out the first thing that came to mind so I could “put a flag in it” before anyone else did. I couldn’t think of a good ending at the time, so the cliffhanger seemed like the natural thing to do.

I never really intended to end it….. so, sorry if I misled anyone. Surprisingly, the world moves so quickly these days that it already seems passe.

Jeeorge Karllin – In my most desperate moments, I considered rewriting a George Carlin bit, but changing it around enough so it seemed original. I’m not proud that I considered this option, but I am proud that I decided against it. “Good artists copy, great artists steal” – Pablo Picasso (this is a real quote).

Dave Chappelle’s Writers Block Party – “Writer’s block” has been at the spear’s tip of my consciousness,  so you can see where this idea came from. I was going to do a thing where Dave Chappelle throws a block party for history’s most notable writers. He would narrate their drunken exploits and interact with them, hilarity would ensue, etc. I don’t like to underestimate my audience, but I wasn’t sure if people would understand the real life debauchery of Bukowski or Hemmingway enough to find this funny, or even Emily Dickinson getting hammered and flashing everyone. Also, Dave Chappelle is one of the funniest people alive, so it’s impossible to write him as a character, even remotely (try it).  Not to mention, Dave Chappelle’s Block Party came out like 5 years ago, so it lacked a certain freshness that any good blog needs.

Well, this isn’t my best post, but I’ve written something.  Even if it’s a half-assed post about writer’s block, I feel much better.

-Rumer

Things you should know about Las Vegas

I’ve learned a lot since moving to Vegas over five years ago. Here are a few tips if you’re planning a visit:

1: “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas!” – For the love of god, DO NOT SAY THIS. For one thing, every time you say it, a Vegas local drowns a kitten. I’m sure you don’t want that on your conscience. Second; felonies, STDs, bankruptcy…. these things stick with you. Also, the hotel you’re staying at has your credit card information, and every square inch of this town is under video surveillance.

2: Gambling – Gambling is for idiots. It should go without saying , but they don’t build multi-billion dollar casinos by handing out cash to tourists. Statistically, you’re better off sticking with scratch-offs. If you want some quick cash try this; stay home, jump in front of a school bus, and sue the county.

3: Shows - Perhaps I’m jaded because I work for a show on the strip, but if you pay $150 for a ticket, expect to be at least a little disappointed. I mean really, what could possibly happen in 90 minutes (non-sexually) that would make you glad that you spent $150 for one ticket? Short of re-animating Hitler’s corpse and torturing him to death again, I can’t think of anything. (Important note: a large portion of the ticket price goes directly back to the casino.)

4: Clubs - I hate clubs. If you like the smell of “swussy”, and a sensation akin to standing in front of an idling jet engine while paying $9 (plus tip) for a bud light, then you will LOVE the Vegas club scene. If you are the type of person that likes clubs, please go. That way I have absolutely zero chance of running into you.

5: Booze - Your alcohol tolerance doesn’t magically go up when you land in Vegas. Do us a favor and act like an adult. You might be thinking, “If I’m in Vegas, I’ll get trashed if I want to!” Do what you want, just don’t be anywhere near me while you’re being a sobbing, snotting, violently incoherent puke-sprinkler. That’s known as “making you’re problem, MY problem.”

6: Hookers - Philosophically I’ve got nothing against prostitution, and I don’t really understand why it’s illegal. As the great George Carlin said, “Sex is the only thing that you aren’t allowed to sell but can give away for free.” But, the sooner yokels stop flying into Vegas to bang whores, the sooner we won’t have “undocumented workers” clogging up the sidewalks of the strip handing out hooker cards.

7: Downtown vs. the Strip : If you aren’t aware, there are two distinct areas of Vegas.  Downtown, “old” Vegas, and the Strip, “new” Vegas. Partying on the strip would be like going on a date with Paris Hilton. Partying Downtown would be more like going on a date with a bus station hooker. On the surface they seem like wildly different things, but the end result is the same…. a hangover, herpes, and an empty wallet.

See you soon.

-Rumer

Bjorkeling, Hamsterbating, and other ways I occupy my time.

Everyone needs a hobby, and I have several:

Wiener Skating – I skate around town on two roided out dachshunds that I tie to my feet.

Civil War Re-reenactments – I get together with friends to reenact the harrowing events that occurred at previous civil war reenactments.

Book Fighting – I’ve been known to yell “BOOK FIGHT!!” at my local library and start chucking books at people.

Lawn Jungling – Sometimes I’ll take my lawnmower and put it in the shed and then don’t touch it for a year.

Bjorkeling – Snorkeling with Bjork, obviously.

Crapbooking – For years I’ve been keeping a photo album of my more respectable bowel movements.

Day Nightmaring – Occasionally, I’ll day dream about getting murdered in a tutu at my high school graduation.

Hamsterbating – You don’t wanna know.

Land Fishing – When my neighbor parks his boat in the driveway, I like to sit in it and get drunk. It’s pretty much exactly like real fishing, only there’s no risk of drowning.

New posts soon, but this should tide you over.

I’ve had some friends in town and haven’t been able to write recently, but I have a couple posts in progress and they will be up soon!  This picture should tide you over until then.

-Rumer

Things I’ve learned from watching “COPS”

This is a short list of things I’ve learned from watching COPS:

Never run from the police. On second thought, ALWAYS run from the police.

Check your pockets. There’s a really good chance that’s there’s a bunch of crack that you had no idea was there.

All prostitutes are men in drag.

All men in drag are prostitutes.

Turns out, drunk people are a bit of a public nuisance.

PCP stands for Please Call the Police. This substance is responsible for more naked rampages than anything else in the history of naked rampages.

Cops like tasering people as much as you like watching cops taser people.

There is nothing on earth more disgusting than getting slammed face first into the street during New Orleans Mardi Gras. I’d rather drink Rush Limbaugh’s bath water.