I’ve learned a lot since moving to Vegas over five years ago. Here are a few tips if you’re planning a visit:
1: “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas!” – For the love of god, DO NOT SAY THIS. For one thing, every time you say it, a Vegas local drowns a kitten. I’m sure you don’t want that on your conscience. Second; felonies, STDs, bankruptcy…. these things stick with you. Also, the hotel you’re staying at has your credit card information, and every square inch of this town is under video surveillance.
2: Gambling – Gambling is for idiots. It should go without saying , but they don’t build multi-billion dollar casinos by handing out cash to tourists. Statistically, you’re better off sticking with scratch-offs. If you want some quick cash try this; stay home, jump in front of a school bus, and sue the county.
3: Shows - Perhaps I’m jaded because I work for a show on the strip, but if you pay $150 for a ticket, expect to be at least a little disappointed. I mean really, what could possibly happen in 90 minutes (non-sexually) that would make you glad that you spent $150 for one ticket? Short of re-animating Hitler’s corpse and torturing him to death again, I can’t think of anything. (Important note: a large portion of the ticket price goes directly back to the casino.)
4: Clubs - I hate clubs. If you like the smell of “swussy”, and a sensation akin to standing in front of an idling jet engine while paying $9 (plus tip) for a bud light, then you will LOVE the Vegas club scene. If you are the type of person that likes clubs, please go. That way I have absolutely zero chance of running into you.
5: Booze - Your alcohol tolerance doesn’t magically go up when you land in Vegas. Do us a favor and act like an adult. You might be thinking, “If I’m in Vegas, I’ll get trashed if I want to!” Do what you want, just don’t be anywhere near me while you’re being a sobbing, snotting, violently incoherent puke-sprinkler. That’s known as “making you’re problem, MY problem.”
6: Hookers - Philosophically I’ve got nothing against prostitution, and I don’t really understand why it’s illegal. As the great George Carlin said, “Sex is the only thing that you aren’t allowed to sell but can give away for free.” But, the sooner yokels stop flying into Vegas to bang whores, the sooner we won’t have “undocumented workers” clogging up the sidewalks of the strip handing out hooker cards.
7: Downtown vs. the Strip : If you aren’t aware, there are two distinct areas of Vegas. Downtown, “old” Vegas, and the Strip, “new” Vegas. Partying on the strip would be like going on a date with Paris Hilton. Partying Downtown would be more like going on a date with a bus station hooker. On the surface they seem like wildly different things, but the end result is the same…. a hangover, herpes, and an empty wallet.
See you soon.