the Ballad of Donny Trump

Little Donny Trump was born with the rare condition, Trumpism (all rights to the disease were later bought, and renamed by Donald Trump). In the womb, the developing brain is bursting with savvy entrepreneurialism and in-your-face moxie. The brain tissue is so upwardly mobile that it erupts through the cranium, unable to be contained by the skull.

Now, most of us non white-collar types aren’t aware of this, but all board meetings at big companies start with the CEO going around the table and individually giving each VP a noogie. Typically this is followed by a little game of “stop hitting yourself”. They do this, like wolves in the wild, to assert their dominance. If you don’t have an MBA, then you probably don’t understand the finer points of business. But trust me, if the CEO doesn’t dole out the occasional atomic wedgie, the shareholders will NOT be happy.

Fresh out of business school, the Donald was on a solid gold, diamond bedazzled rocket ship to the top (which by the way, are terrible materials to make a rocket ship out of). Trump knew that he would be dead on the first day, the CEO would noogie him into an early grave. Trump refused to die with the CEO wrist deep in his skull as if he’s trying to make a Trump-o-Lantern (copyright Donald Trump), convulsing and likely pooping himself in front of his peers. No, he’s not going down like that. Unfortunately, you can’t exactly wear a bicycle helmet into a board meeting either.

Trump received his fair share of noogies in school, but those were all from pussy-ass tenured professors. He was able to get by with a standard toupee and a few maxi pads taped to the top of his head. Now he was in the big leagues, this was going to call for something special. A man with the will and the resources can do whatever he puts his mind to. He assembled a team of the world’s top wig scientists, and they got to work.

Nothing like this had ever been done before, and it was going to be tricky. They started with stolen helmet designs from the Russian space program. A male lion would then be fed a diet of eagle meat and Fiji water, and it’s mane would be shaved while it mated with a tiger shark. The hairs would be applied to the helmet in such a way that you would be unable to tell where they begin, or where they end. This is meant to confuse his enemies. A layer of teflon would be added to reduce knuckle drag, and has the additional benefit of making the helmet impervious to caviar stains. Upon seeing it, Trump wept openly for the first and only time in his life.

Needless to say, at that first board meeting the CEO’s noogie had no effect on the Donald. Unable to establish himself as pack leader, Mr. Big Shot CEO set himself on fire out of shame. This is when Trump invented the phrase, “You’re fired.”

The moral of the story is this: Sure, Donald Trump’s hair may look like shit, but for a helmet, it looks pretty fucking sweet.

(side note: Trump later fired the world’s top wig scientists, and let Gary Busey maul them to death in an alley. Celebrity Apprentice; Sundays at 10 on NBC)

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About Dan Rumer

Dan Rumer is a professional drum tech and amatuer asshole residing in Henderson, NV. He enjoys cheap food, expensive beer and his cat, Optimus Prime. View all posts by Dan Rumer

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