A Day in the Life of Fred Durst

9 am – Wakes up. Fixes bowl of generic Cheerios, cries into them.

9:45 am – Sniff tests Wendy’s uniform shirts, wears the smelliest one anyway.

11:14 am – Shows up late to work at Wendy’s, reminds manager that he’s Fred Durst. Manager reminds him that he doesn’t give a shit.

12:36 pm – Tries to convince female customer that he’s Fred Durst from Limp Bizkit. She gets a good laugh when she realizes that he’s not lying.

1 pm – Tells everyone the he has a lunch meeting with a big time record producer. Rides his bike to Starbucks and cries in a bathroom stall for 20 minutes.

1:30 pm – Returns to Wendy’s drive thru. Says, “I did it all for the cookie!” every time customers order a chocolate chip cookie. Gets zero laughs. Decides to scream “You gotta have FRRIIEEESSS!” instead. Gets written up.

2:47 pm – Pretends to be on a reality show when exgirlfriend shows up at the drive thru.

6 pm – Leaves work.

6:23 pm – Logs onto facebook, sees picture that exgirlfriend posted of him working at Wendy’s.

7:07 pm – Works on solo rap project. Only word that he can rhyme with cheeseburger is hamburger. Decides that “writing about what you know” is stupid. Gives up.

8:11 pm – Decides to make a Marie Calendar pot pie for dinner. Manages to fuck that up worse than his music career. Eats more generic Cheerios.

9 pm – Jealously watches “Dancing with the Stars”.

9:54 pm – Cries for 35 minutes after Susan Lucci is eliminated.

10:29 pm – Candlelit bubble bath.

11:55 pm – All tuckered out.  Time for bed.


About Dan Rumer

Dan Rumer is a professional drum tech and amatuer asshole residing in Henderson, NV. He enjoys cheap food, expensive beer and his cat, Optimus Prime. View all posts by Dan Rumer

2 responses to “A Day in the Life of Fred Durst

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