Just a thought, I think.

I love beer in bottles. Alcohol should always be served in a potential weapon.

If I had a nickel for every time I masturbated on a Greyhound bus, I’d have 2 cents.

The only thing you have to be good at is bullshitting.

In medieval times, people thought that a sneeze was a person’s soul trying to escape from the body. I wonder what they thought a fart was.

I think it would be more accurate if we called microwaves “food nastifiers”.

They really need to start putting Cheeto cheese dust into salt shakers. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been eating something and thought to myself, “this could really use some Cheeto dust.”

How did Superman sneeze without blowing the roof off his house? Could he pee without sawing the urinal in half? How did he hook up with Lois Lane without pounding her pelvis into dust? These thoughts keep me up at night.

Maria Shriver has known about Arnold’s affair for years. She’s been storing the pent up rage in her cheekbones.

Wearing socks with sandals is a great way to tell the world, “I have ugly, hot feet.”


Check out the new facebook!

From the makers of the fleshlight

The new facebook!

the new facebook

“Soon, it will be so popular that even your Grandmother will have one!” – Mark Zuckerberg

“You’ll like poking it!” – World’s laziest comedian

“A suitable replacement for human interaction.” – Dog the Bounty hunter

A penny for my thoughts would be a rip off.

If I owned a machine gun, I would use it to assassinate high-ranking watermelons.

Call me a feminist, but I have no problem punching a woman in the face. I’m all about equality.

We can’t get people to recycle, we can’t get everyone to drive a hybrid, but at least we’ve agreed as a society to stop wasting paper on books.

Will a White House intern blow Obama already so we can get this economy back on track?

Do they still make fruit by the foot? If they do, they should probably stop.

I wonder if any conspiracy theorists ever consider that their conspiracy theories may themselves be a conspiracy. (Somewhere, a conspiracy theorist just read this and shot himself.)

Most “guitar players” that I meet are actually just guitar owners.

From now on, I won’t believe anyone is dead unless Obama releases a picture of their corpse.

the Revenge of Ozombie bin Laden, Part 1

I’ve been pitching this movie idea to some hollywood producers. Unfortunately, the general answer I’ve gotten is that to make this movie would be too much of a liability. Too many people would injure their backs schlepping the huge bags of cash it would make, and of course in our letigious society, the sheer number of lawsuits would make the movie unprofitable. Thanks a lot, money haulers union. Since you’ll never see this on the big screen, I present it to you here. Part 1 of:

the Revenge of Ozombie bin Laden


Movie opens on a secluded beach at dawn. A young couple enjoys their honeymoon, kissing in the soft morning light. They notice a tall, slender figure emerging from the water. They strain their eyes against the suns rays, but as it draws near, it becomes obvious. It’s Ozombie bin Laden (Jeff Goldblum), and he’s back for revenge! He bites their necks open and yells, “alalalalalalalalalalalala!!!” as the music swells.

[Opening Credits: Badass explosions and hardcore guitar riffs.]

Jackson Hamilton (Vin Diesel) and Charles Barkley (Zach Galifianakis) are members of double top secret SEAL team 7. After shooting bin Laden in the face, they are enjoying some well deserved R&R. Things are getting crazy in the hot tub at Barkley’s penthouse, they are partying with three super models. Just as things are starting to heat up, Hamilton remembers that he’s missing his daughter’s (Abigail Beslin) Cello recital. He leaps from the hot tub and races out the door. Much to the disappointment of the models, Barkley follows. That’s what good friends do.

There is a brief scene at Hamilton’s daughter’s school. After missing her recital, she whines about him not caring, blah blah, etc. She runs off crying as their super top secret Navy SEALS beepers go off. The government knows better than too bother them unless it’s something important. They rush to headquarters in Hamilton’s sweet ass old school Camaro.

They meet with their commander, Col. West Norfolk (Alec Baldwin). He explains that Ozombie bin Laden is hiding in a moutaintop fortress overlooking the sea. He is surrounded on all sides by a vast jihadi zombie army. They’ve tried blasting through the zombies with tanks and air strikes, but it’s been ineffective. There is only one way in.

An H-bomb is dropped into the ocean. Hamilton and Barkley jump from a helicopter with surf boards, and ride the atomic tsunami up the mountain side. The tidal wave crushes the zombie army, sending zombie parts in every direction. Just as the wave crests, they pull their parachutes and are carried by the updraft over the fortress wall.

They quickly destroy all zombies within the fortress with superhuman kung fu moves and laser cannons. After searching, they realize that Ozombie bin Laden is not there. Barkley finds a DVD with Hamilton’s name on it. Hamilton rips it from Barkley’s hand and puts it in the player. It’s Ozombie bin Laden, and he has Hamilton’s daughter tied up. Now it’s personal! After watching the DVD, they find four female American hikers that the zombies had been keeping prisoner.

[gratuitous sex scene]

Hamilton and Barkley regroup at Navy SEAL headquarters. They are having a meeting with Norfolk in his office. As Hamilton looks around the room, something seems familiar….. The video of his daughter was filmed in Norfolk’s office! SEAL team 7 has been infiltrated by the zombie jihadists!

Barkley watches the door as Hamilton interrogates Norfolk. After a healthy amount of torture, Norfolk divulges Ozombie’s plan. He wants to release his zombie virus at the Adult Video Network awards in Las Vegas. The zombie virus reacts violently with silicone. Once the pornstars are infected, there would be a chain boob-splosion that will spread the virus throughout the entire southwest. They can’t trust anyone in their unit now, they’re going to have to finish this alone.

To be continued…..

Check back for part 2!

A Day in the Life of Fred Durst

9 am – Wakes up. Fixes bowl of generic Cheerios, cries into them.

9:45 am – Sniff tests Wendy’s uniform shirts, wears the smelliest one anyway.

11:14 am – Shows up late to work at Wendy’s, reminds manager that he’s Fred Durst. Manager reminds him that he doesn’t give a shit.

12:36 pm – Tries to convince female customer that he’s Fred Durst from Limp Bizkit. She gets a good laugh when she realizes that he’s not lying.

1 pm – Tells everyone the he has a lunch meeting with a big time record producer. Rides his bike to Starbucks and cries in a bathroom stall for 20 minutes.

1:30 pm – Returns to Wendy’s drive thru. Says, “I did it all for the cookie!” every time customers order a chocolate chip cookie. Gets zero laughs. Decides to scream “You gotta have FRRIIEEESSS!” instead. Gets written up.

2:47 pm – Pretends to be on a reality show when exgirlfriend shows up at the drive thru.

6 pm – Leaves work.

6:23 pm – Logs onto facebook, sees picture that exgirlfriend posted of him working at Wendy’s.

7:07 pm – Works on solo rap project. Only word that he can rhyme with cheeseburger is hamburger. Decides that “writing about what you know” is stupid. Gives up.

8:11 pm – Decides to make a Marie Calendar pot pie for dinner. Manages to fuck that up worse than his music career. Eats more generic Cheerios.

9 pm – Jealously watches “Dancing with the Stars”.

9:54 pm – Cries for 35 minutes after Susan Lucci is eliminated.

10:29 pm – Candlelit bubble bath.

11:55 pm – All tuckered out.  Time for bed.

Red Bull: Secret Recipe Revealed

I can’t divulge my sources, but I can tell you that retrieving this information involved hijacking a train, and a tasteful amount of waterboarding. Here it is internet, Red Bull’s secret recipe:

3.5 fl oz. – high fructose corn syrup

4 fl oz. – higher fructose corn syrup

3 tablespoons – grape robitussen

1/2 teaspoon – extra virgin Bolivian orphan tears

1 thimble – Dr. Pepper

3 strawberry Pez (crushed)

5 750 mg capsules – horse amphetamines

add just a dash of mineral oil to give you that trademark Red Bull diarrhea.

Serve chilled.

Pumas make terrible babysitters

We are all aware that there is an underground economy in this country. Pumas are willing to work for a few hunks of antelope meat, and people are exploiting cheap Puma labor to the detriment of our society. Here are some reasons why you shouldn’t let a puma babysit for you.

-They lack opposable thumbs.

In an emergency, valuable seconds would be wasted while they fumbled with the phone trying to dial 911.

-Pumas will drink all of your sprite.

It’s a fact that Pumas love sprite, and will drink every last drop in your house as soon as you leave. The scientific name for Pumas is Felinus Drinkallyourspritus.

-Pumas have no sense of humor.

If they see the “Can I haz cheezburger” wallpaper on your computer, they WILL take a dump on your bed.

-They refuse to learn english.

I’ve tried, they just won’t do it. They do, however, speak fluent French.

-They are too racially sensitive.

If they see you wearing Puma sneakers, they feel as though you’re exploiting their proud Puma heritage, and they WILL take a dump on your bed.

-They are notoriously lazy.

If there is a sunny spot in front a window, they will nap there while your toddler sticks their tongue in your wall outlets.

-They cut corners.

Instead of changing a diaper, they will probably just eat your child.

And if you’re still not convinced, they will steal your DVDs. It may seem like I’m stereotyping here, but it’s the truth.

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