Tag Archives: funny

I am not a middle-eastern lesbian

The blogosphere has been on fire the past few days because of the revelation that the popular and inspirational blog “A Gay Girl in Damascus”, was actually written by a male, white, married, American college student living in Scotland.  You can read the story here.  In light of this, I have a few confessions to make as well.

First and foremost, I am not a middle-eastern lesbian.  I am a straight white guy living in the ghetto part of the nice part of Las Vegas.

I never won the Nobel Peace Prize in Mathenometry.  I’m not even sure that’s a real category.

The pictures of my penis that I tweeted are in fact pictures of my penis.

There is a growing faction of people who believe that 9/11 was an inside job.   Well, I’m here to tell the world that the inside job was an inside job.  Actually, the inside-inside job just started as some inside temp work, that eventually led to a full-time inside job.  It just goes to show, if you work hard, anything is possible in America.

I never bested Shaq in a dunking contest.  I did, however, own him in a tickle fight.

I served 2 years in maximum security prison after my illegal chimp-fighting league was busted.  I’ll never forget the disappointed look in Captain Thumblefeet’s good eye as they carted him away.  He could have won the championship!

I am not married to Megan Fox.  In my defense, in some cultures when you send someone your severed pinky toe, you are officially married.

Despite what my hilarious t-shirt says, I am not a gynecologist.


Writing about writer’s block

Writer’s block is a bitch. For me writer’s block isn’t the inability to come up with new ideas, it’s usually the inability to come up with GOOD ideas. Here are a few blog premises that never got off the ground over the past week or so.

Zombie food-critics – A group of zombies discuss their divergent views on the taste of various people’s brains. I was really excited about this one and it seemed like it was going to be good. Unfortunately, it was a little one dimensional, and any time I wrote about a non-white person’s brain (I make fluorescent light bulbs look black), it always came off a little racist. I’m going to keep trying with this one. I think some comedy nuggets can still be mined from this pit of oblique racism.

What my cat does while I’m at work – I was sure I could conjure something from this. Alas, the best comedy comes from the truth, and the truth is that my cat just naps and licks his b-hole all day while I’m gone. I could have made him an evil mastermind or something, plotting the end of the world, but I thought that was a little too “the Oatmeal”-ish.

the Revenge of Ozombie bin Laden – part 2 – If you have read part 1, then you may be looking forward to part 2. The truth is, I ended the first one on a cliffhanger for a couple of reasons;

1 – I prefer to read and write shorter blog posts.  As it stands, it’s already longer than I would like for a single post.
2 – I thought of “Ozombie bin Laden” and basically crapped out the first thing that came to mind so I could “put a flag in it” before anyone else did. I couldn’t think of a good ending at the time, so the cliffhanger seemed like the natural thing to do.

I never really intended to end it….. so, sorry if I misled anyone. Surprisingly, the world moves so quickly these days that it already seems passe.

Jeeorge Karllin – In my most desperate moments, I considered rewriting a George Carlin bit, but changing it around enough so it seemed original. I’m not proud that I considered this option, but I am proud that I decided against it. “Good artists copy, great artists steal” – Pablo Picasso (this is a real quote).

Dave Chappelle’s Writers Block Party – “Writer’s block” has been at the spear’s tip of my consciousness,  so you can see where this idea came from. I was going to do a thing where Dave Chappelle throws a block party for history’s most notable writers. He would narrate their drunken exploits and interact with them, hilarity would ensue, etc. I don’t like to underestimate my audience, but I wasn’t sure if people would understand the real life debauchery of Bukowski or Hemmingway enough to find this funny, or even Emily Dickinson getting hammered and flashing everyone. Also, Dave Chappelle is one of the funniest people alive, so it’s impossible to write him as a character, even remotely (try it).  Not to mention, Dave Chappelle’s Block Party came out like 5 years ago, so it lacked a certain freshness that any good blog needs.

Well, this isn’t my best post, but I’ve written something.  Even if it’s a half-assed post about writer’s block, I feel much better.


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