I’ve been pitching this movie idea to some hollywood producers. Unfortunately, the general answer I’ve gotten is that to make this movie would be too much of a liability. Too many people would injure their backs schlepping the huge bags of cash it would make, and of course in our letigious society, the sheer number of lawsuits would make the movie unprofitable. Thanks a lot, money haulers union. Since you’ll never see this on the big screen, I present it to you here. Part 1 of:
the Revenge of Ozombie bin Laden
Movie opens on a secluded beach at dawn. A young couple enjoys their honeymoon, kissing in the soft morning light. They notice a tall, slender figure emerging from the water. They strain their eyes against the suns rays, but as it draws near, it becomes obvious. It’s Ozombie bin Laden (Jeff Goldblum), and he’s back for revenge! He bites their necks open and yells, “alalalalalalalalalalalala!!!” as the music swells.
[Opening Credits: Badass explosions and hardcore guitar riffs.]
Jackson Hamilton (Vin Diesel) and Charles Barkley (Zach Galifianakis) are members of double top secret SEAL team 7. After shooting bin Laden in the face, they are enjoying some well deserved R&R. Things are getting crazy in the hot tub at Barkley’s penthouse, they are partying with three super models. Just as things are starting to heat up, Hamilton remembers that he’s missing his daughter’s (Abigail Beslin) Cello recital. He leaps from the hot tub and races out the door. Much to the disappointment of the models, Barkley follows. That’s what good friends do.
There is a brief scene at Hamilton’s daughter’s school. After missing her recital, she whines about him not caring, blah blah, etc. She runs off crying as their super top secret Navy SEALS beepers go off. The government knows better than too bother them unless it’s something important. They rush to headquarters in Hamilton’s sweet ass old school Camaro.
They meet with their commander, Col. West Norfolk (Alec Baldwin). He explains that Ozombie bin Laden is hiding in a moutaintop fortress overlooking the sea. He is surrounded on all sides by a vast jihadi zombie army. They’ve tried blasting through the zombies with tanks and air strikes, but it’s been ineffective. There is only one way in.
An H-bomb is dropped into the ocean. Hamilton and Barkley jump from a helicopter with surf boards, and ride the atomic tsunami up the mountain side. The tidal wave crushes the zombie army, sending zombie parts in every direction. Just as the wave crests, they pull their parachutes and are carried by the updraft over the fortress wall.
They quickly destroy all zombies within the fortress with superhuman kung fu moves and laser cannons. After searching, they realize that Ozombie bin Laden is not there. Barkley finds a DVD with Hamilton’s name on it. Hamilton rips it from Barkley’s hand and puts it in the player. It’s Ozombie bin Laden, and he has Hamilton’s daughter tied up. Now it’s personal! After watching the DVD, they find four female American hikers that the zombies had been keeping prisoner.
[gratuitous sex scene]
Hamilton and Barkley regroup at Navy SEAL headquarters. They are having a meeting with Norfolk in his office. As Hamilton looks around the room, something seems familiar….. The video of his daughter was filmed in Norfolk’s office! SEAL team 7 has been infiltrated by the zombie jihadists!
Barkley watches the door as Hamilton interrogates Norfolk. After a healthy amount of torture, Norfolk divulges Ozombie’s plan. He wants to release his zombie virus at the Adult Video Network awards in Las Vegas. The zombie virus reacts violently with silicone. Once the pornstars are infected, there would be a chain boob-splosion that will spread the virus throughout the entire southwest. They can’t trust anyone in their unit now, they’re going to have to finish this alone.
To be continued…..
Check back for part 2!